WHY AM I NOT BEING MYSELF?


Montego Bay, Jamaica - November 21st.


Shay, you love to write so why aren’t you writing?


Today has been a roller coaster of emotions, starting with that time of the month and ending with an epiphany. As I struggle to do my favourite things, like photography, writing and being present, I ask myself...


WHY AM I FINDING IT SO DIFFICULT TO BE MYSELF?


Underneath all of this overthinking, anxiety and depression is me, just me, she’s in here and she wants to be free. I feel her screaming from the inside, wanting to be unchained, but a feeling I know all too well is blocking her.


I encountered depression a few years ago and every now and again she comes and goes, creeping up on me slowly but, having me by the throat by the time I realise she’s there.


‘I can feel my mental health slipping…’ me to me, not realising that it has already slipped.


This year has been the longest she has held me and I’m tired. Albeit I have given myself a bit of a bly, it’s a pandemic, losing your job is never fun, nor not being able to be there when your best friend and soul mate gives birth. There was also the extremely difficult passing of my aunt amongst many other shitty events that 2020 brought to my doorstep.


But this year she has clung to me like a bandage dress, starting to make me forget what I like to do, making me lose interest in my favourite things, my faith and the worst part is the overthinking, every aspect of my life. Overthinking is a thief of joy.


I had this fire before she took over me, I did what made me feel good, spoke my mind, I wasn't bothered by a difference in opinions, in fact I welcomed the conversation. I was secure and my heart was light. I took photos all day long, wrote whatever came to mind and I didn't much care for any approval, I did whatever I thought was cool and that's all that mattered.


Maybe that changed with age but I crave that feeling, being the truest form of myself, and being passionate.


The hard part is, I know all of the 'self-love' and 'self-care' tools I should be practicing to get that feeling back. It's like being able to give your friends the best advice in the world but when it comes to yourself, it's near enough impossible.


I can want to meditate, do yoga, eat well, exercise, read more and ignore toxic energy all I like but once she whispers, 'you're unhappy, stay in bed.', she doesn't have to tell me twice. She's probably right, she knows me best.


I know what I should be doing to try and let her go, but the mind won't let you embody what you don't let in. You cannot feel peace if you do not allow peace into your life.


Learning, writing, creating and inspiring is who I am but somewhere along the lines I became too scared to share, I lost the faith in myself and my spiritual journey. How could I talk about love, life and light when I felt none of those things?




A final note...


"Depression had become my safety blanket."

Depression had become my safety blanket. If I'm not reaching my full potential, I can let myself off because I am depressed. If I am sharp with someone, it wasn't really me, I am depressed. If I stay in bed all day, that's ok because depression said that's where I feel best.


And If I feel like I can't create, 'Depression are you still there? I need an alibi.'.


But tonight, I take the blanket off.


As I scrolled on the internet watching other people do what they love and create, (although I know, they’re probably battling with her too). I thought, but WHY am I not doing me? What is stopping me? A mental block? My own mind telling me I am not good enough or that I don't deserve joy and happiness?


But when did I decide that I was not worthy? Who am I decide?


Shay, you ARE joy.


And so are you.


So, I literally sat up in my bed and said aloud, 'Shay. Sharaye. Do you!', then I picked up this laptop, dusted the cobwebs off of this space on the internet of mine and shared these words with you.


In general I feel better, not depressed right now but I have good days and horrible nights at times, like the night after I started writing this, but it's a working progress right?


We've had a little makeover on the blog too and I have a feeling I'll be posting regularly, but don't take that as bible, I don't like to commit.


What negative feelings have been your safety blanket and when are you going to take the blanket off?


Let's talk in the comments below.


The most love ever,

Shay x





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