I'm turning 25 next month, time to put on my big girl pants and nudge myself to become the passionate, driven, calm and collective woman I aspire to be. One of my 'new-year-things-to-try-and-do-not-resolutions' was to open up a bit more, on here and in my real life. You can only follow a closed book for so long. Ironically I struggle with the idea of bloggers being paid to showcase a perfect and unrealistic life (still unsure on how to correctly identify ironic situations). I know what I'm buying into is an idea, a showreel but it is not real life. I like a balance, I love seeing the beautifully edited images and staged candid moments because they're aesthetically pleasing but I love knowing the back story, the tears, the insecurities, the drama and BTS of this 'perfection'. In order for us to normalise something we must embrace it ourselves, so here I am letting you all into my current behind the scenes.
IT'S 2019, LET'S BE REAL.
One of the main things I am struggling with right now is fatigue and lack of motivation, which both play off of each other like cat and mouse. Over a year ago I vowed to work from home 9-2 every day and then fulfil other work commitments for the rest of the day. As the months got colder and the days got darker 9-2 turned into 11-1 real quick. I struggle to stay awake, I struggle to get out of bed on a lot of days and I struggle to find the motivation to blog or even respond to text messages.
I noticed a shift in my mental space too, feeling like a lazy and useless piece of woman makes me feel even more crap about myself than I did in the first place. It has lead to me not wanting to get up, not wanting to check my emails and not wanting to go to sleep because I do not want to face everything I have been ignoring today, tomorrow. Let's be honest, I have been nothing short of slacking when it comes to my digital space.
Working from home and being your own boss when you aren't mentally present is like turning up for work every day and realising your boss is at home taking a nap so you go home and take a nap too, ok poor comparison there, sorry. It's not as easy as I hoped it would be, in summer I was waking up at 9am, shooting loads of content, thriving and on top of everything. This winter blues has hit me like a ton of unwritten blog posts and with that being said I am now vowing to get up and get out every morning to the cafe with my laptop in one hand and a mint tea in the other, forcing myself to work.
'If you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree' - Jim Rohn
My second struggle is saving money. Choosing not to work full-time means I don't get one decent pay check once a month, I get paid in smaller sums about four times a month. There's pros and cons to having a more regular and smaller income, it means I will never be completely broke for more than a week because I know pay-day is always around the corner. It also means that I tend to use my money quicker for the same reason. Why not spend this £100 now because I'll be rich again in a few days? Wrong, wrong past self, wrong. I want to learn how to save properly this year and I want to purchase everything for my blog and working life first before I spend money on anything else. By anything else I totally mean small hand bags, prosecco, drinks at the bar and gold hoops, which obviously fall into the 'everyday essentials' category.
Believe it or not your girl has got commitment issues. I don't mean to try and sound all fake deep and complicated but this is my reality and I have only started thinking about it in the last couple of months. Being the eldest sibling of 4, occasionally having to play mum when babysitting and feeling responsible from a young age has shaped me into this over protective, over planning perfectionist. An annoyance to my own life, hindering my own goals.