Listening to: Kanye West - No Mistakes
This post is aimed at no one but also everyone. There's a feeling I get when I hear notification after notification on my phone. It's the reason my phone is always on silent and the reason I hate pop-up notifications.
Has someone died?
Oh no, someone needs a favour.
Someone wants my opinion.
Oh no, is it another birthday invite?
Someone requires my attention.
Why am I so accessible.
I wish I didn't have a phone.
What have I forgotten now?
and then when I respond it's almost always another person expecting something from me, something that warrants a response or something to add to my to-do list. Well people, my to do list is non existent until further notice. Despite still feeling guilty about seeing messages and not responding straight away I must admit it is something I have got quite comfortable doing. I always talk about my conflicting thoughts on the digital world. It's SO COOL because I can check out Met Gala outfits straight away and I can find amazing petitions to sign on Twitter but also when I need a bit of me time, which more recently is every single day, I find myself feeling anxious every time I get a message or alert on my phone. For a gal who enjoys her own company as much, if not more as she loves a glass of prosecco conversing with people every hour is not my favourite pass time, not in real life and definitely not digitally.
Luckily there's a thing that happens in your mid-twenties when you realise 'f*ck it' and so here I am. The truth is there are enough major things going on in the world and the constant pressures of instant messaging and getting back to people straight away is not high on my list of priorities.
"if it's important they'll call"
and I will answer.
As of today I have decided to own my truth and live my life for me, until I have kids in which case I will blame the lesser great things about my personality on them. Pregnancy brain, I need a wee, I'm poor, need more wine and so on.
So I have decided to live a slower digital life and that involves doing whatever I want to do on the internet and getting back to you when I want to. I might be online and I may even accidentally read your message but please don't take it personal. I can look at UK home tours on YouTube, write up blogs posts and google where sells the best veggie burgers without feeling like I MUST RESPOND TO EVERY NOTIFICATION, because I don't.
My digital pause button made me think about other ways in which I have been slightly over extending myself over the years, emphasis on the slightly. I try to make sure I am everywhere I am invited to, I show up, try to have a good time and I am always punctual. Not just for them but for me too, I really do enjoy spending time with people I mildly tolerate. However that mid-twenties kick up the ass has also reminded me that not making the party, not getting there early and not being able to stay until the last soul leaves is ok too. Uber pls.
So I urge you all not to take it personal when someone doesn't respond straight away and not to feel guilty about getting back to people when you can. I'm not busy beyond belief, but I am choosing how I spend my time and allocating slots for general chit chat, like after an amazingly relaxing bath, not before and never during. We are all on a very personal journey and our priorities change all of the time. Today my priority is my mental health, protecting my space, my peace of mind and doing my best. Tomorrow it might be keeping in regular contact with everyone I know and smiling at every stranger I see. Things change and so do people, obvs.
So as I take this mental break from literally everything and try to fight the 'guilt' and 'everybody hates me' thoughts, I have written this post to remind myself that a girl is no one and no one owes you nothing.