Dear Humans,
Will he really change?
The burning question we avoid asking ourselves because we make up our minds of what we want it to be and are too busy living in a false future reality. Ladies the reality will always remain the same.
Relationships have so many layers to them, they are not as easy as the fairytales make them out to be, I can vouch for that. However I do believe in true love, understanding and commitment. Your happy ending can happen but you will need to fight for it. As humans it is in our nature to make mistakes but it is also in our nature to forgive, sometimes over and over again. While we are busy forgiving and accepting apologies sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and weigh up whether we truly believe he will change or not. I mean will he NEVER EVER do and say the things he said he would NEVER EVER do when you first got together but has been continuously doing for 3 years? probably not.
How to address change
Firstly, a man is never going to change something that you have never addressed as a problem. If you have been content for 6 years, It is a little too late to begin voicing your issues now, they just won't be taken seriously. I always say you should address the things you aren’t happy with as soon as the problem arises. If you don’t you will be waiting another 6 years for him to be 'working on' the change, we all know change does not happen over night and nobody has time for that.
He probably won’t change if…
He tells you he doesn’t want to change
He says he wants to but makes 0 effort to do so
The thing you are asking him to change is 100% part of who he is (e.g. playing video games)
HE IS A LIAR
Things are not that serious
He is older in age 'set in his ways'
You are asking YEARS later
Realistic Change
I believe one of the problems with wanting your partner to change is that sometimes you are expecting them to change so far away from who they actually are that it is beyond unrealistic. If you want the person you are with to completely change whom they are as a person then it should be clear that perhaps they aren't the right person for you. You should accept the person you love as they are. Maybe we should focus more on compromise and bettering ourselves rather than the word change which can have negative connotations.
A realistic change would be asking your not so romantic partner to be a little more romantic and so on birthdays and holidays he makes an effort. He will not suddenly be romantic every single day but the effort is what we should be acknowledging.
My verdict
You cannot keep a man who does not want to be kept. Meaning most men settle down and want to act right for the woman they believe is right for them but if he does not believe that woman is you, he isn’t even going to try. My advice is to always believe a man’s actions and what he shows you, if he is showing you poor behaviour believe that that is who he is. His words of apologies are only to make an attempt at lifting the guilt off of his own chest and clearing his conscious. If you feel like you are with someone who has changed or is making the steps to do so be sure to notice any patterns. Some of us kick old behaviour for a few months and then revert back to our old ways when a problem emerges. If this is a cycle you know your significant other has been riding for a while, look at whether or not he can actually manage a long term change.
I do believe both men and women can change for the better. For a man to change he must acknowledge where he is going wrong, make an effort and want to change for HIMSELF and because he cares about you. For the ladies who do have a man who has decided to change for the better and is making positive changes in his life or your relationship be patient but do not be a fool. Work on change together and look at some of the things about yourself that may need to adjust. Bettering yourselves should be a working progress and joint effort that both partners want to embark on to have a healthy relationship. Love is a balance of your heart and your mind.
With Love,
Shay RS x
Check out my last post 'Dear Mental Health' here.
