I'm turning 25 next month, time to put on my big girl pants and nudge myself to become the passionate, driven, calm and collective woman I aspire to be. One of my 'new-year-things-to-try-and-do-not-resolutions' was to open up a bit more, on here and in my real life. You can only follow a closed book for so long. Ironically I struggle with the idea of bloggers being paid to showcase a perfect and unrealistic life (still unsure on how to correctly identify ironic situations). I know what I'm buying into is an idea, a showreel but it is not real life. I like a balance, I love seeing the beautifully edited images and staged candid moments because they're aesthetically pleasing but I love knowing the back story, the tears, the insecurities, the drama and BTS of this 'perfection'. In order for us to normalise something we must embrace it ourselves, so here I am letting you all into my current behind the scenes.
IT'S 2019, LET'S BE REAL.
One of the main things I am struggling with right now is fatigue and lack of motivation, which both play off of each other like cat and mouse. Over a year ago I vowed to work from home 9-2 every day and then fulfil other work commitments for the rest of the day. As the months got colder and the days got darker 9-2 turned into 11-1 real quick. I struggle to stay awake, I struggle to get out of bed on a lot of days and I struggle to find the motivation to blog or even respond to text messages.
I noticed a shift in my mental space too, feeling like a lazy and useless piece of woman makes me feel even more crap about myself than I did in the first place. It has lead to me not wanting to get up, not wanting to check my emails and not wanting to go to sleep because I do not want to face everything I have been ignoring today, tomorrow. Let's be honest, I have been nothing short of slacking when it comes to my digital space.
Working from home and being your own boss when you aren't mentally present is like turning up for work every day and realising your boss is at home taking a nap so you go home and take a nap too, ok poor comparison there, sorry. It's not as easy as I hoped it would be, in summer I was waking up at 9am, shooting loads of content, thriving and on top of everything. This winter blues has hit me like a ton of unwritten blog posts and with that being said I am now vowing to get up and get out every morning to the cafe with my laptop in one hand and a mint tea in the other, forcing myself to work.
'If you do not like where you are, move. You are not a tree' - Jim Rohn
My second struggle is saving money. Choosing not to work full-time means I don't get one decent pay check once a month, I get paid in smaller sums about four times a month. There's pros and cons to having a more regular and smaller income, it means I will never be completely broke for more than a week because I know pay-day is always around the corner. It also means that I tend to use my money quicker for the same reason. Why not spend this £100 now because I'll be rich again in a few days? Wrong, wrong past self, wrong. I want to learn how to save properly this year and I want to purchase everything for my blog and working life first before I spend money on anything else. By anything else I totally mean small hand bags, prosecco, drinks at the bar and gold hoops, which obviously fall into the 'everyday essentials' category.
Believe it or not your girl has got commitment issues. I don't mean to try and sound all fake deep and complicated but this is my reality and I have only started thinking about it in the last couple of months. Being the eldest sibling of 4, occasionally having to play mum when babysitting and feeling responsible from a young age has shaped me into this over protective, over planning perfectionist. An annoyance to my own life, hindering my own goals.
I've always wanted my life to be perfect, not perfect perfect because yes I know perfection does not exist. But that fake kind of perfect where there's a few cracks beneath the surface but in the end everyone ends up ok. Kind of like a 'That's so Raven' episode, Raven's life come crashing down about 15 minutes in, the plot thickens but by the end of the episode all is well, the parents are still together and Raven is happy.
It can take me what feels like a lifetime to make any permanent decision, I am indecisive to the point of embarrassment, fearing that one day I'll make the wrong decision that will impact my life forever. Apart from annoying everyone at restaurants by failing to make basic decisions between sea bass or salmon, truffle fries or truffle spinach, prosecco or a cocktail. I cannot continue to live my life fearing decision making. I want to commit to something just because it feels right, hope and pray that things will work out and take a leap for once. So all of the things that I want to do deep down in my heart and have been too 'not yet' about, I'll be moving towards this year because I won't be 25 forever.
My fourth and final struggle is a combination of all of the above. An exploding bottle of emotions, an over tired, under worked, commitment-phobe, 'let me just get this new bag', 'I get paid on Monday anyway' mess. Don't speak of yourself too highly guys.
In short, my emotions are all over the place, I'm the kind of person who likes feeling settled. I like routine, I like planning, I like knowing what I'm doing and where I a going to be, within that routine I enjoy spontaneity. Right now my life is more like a Bridget Jones movie, scatty and inescapable. It really affects my mental health and drives me insane. I find it therapeutic to focus on something and put my energy into something positive. Planning my 25th birthday has really saved the day. Instead of addressing my crashing emotions I am planning outfits, meals and balloons, yay.
I'll update you all when my birthday ends and I have to face reality yet again. In the meantime I'll try and get back into my yoga, get more sleep and drink more water because I am determined to regain my inner peace.