Happy Wednesday, today is a very happy Wednesday, it has been sunny all weekend in London which automatically puts the whole city in a BBQ and park mood. That has been me all weekend, from running from parks to pubs with my bestie to a spontaneous family BBQ.
Today’s post is on losing love but not any love, the first one.
Experiencing anything for the first time is exciting, usually we fall into our first love at a younger age and are reminded by patronising older family members that you are 'sweet', it is just 'puppy love' and he will 'break your heart'. While fake smiling and nodding along you know what they are saying isn't true and this love will last forever.
‘No, this is different. I know what the odds are but there are also people who marry their first love and stay together for a long time there after. Look at my Grandparents, these people obviously do not know what they are talking about because they do not understand what we have.’
It was different but it still ended all the same, with a very broken heart and a lot of tears. Here is what you need to know about losing your first love. Your first love is very important because it is the first time you can relate to those soppy love films like Love & Basketball, Titanic and The Notebook. It is the first time you go on a real date that means something, it is the first time you hear the words 'I love you' outside of family and friends. It is the first time you can completely drop your guard because someone loves you for you, you can be silly together, laugh until you cry together. It is the first time you feel comfortable in your own skin, in your body, you feel appreciated for being you and maybe the first time you openly give your whole body to another human being in love and trust. You all thought of someone when you read this paragraph, right?
warm, gushy, all the feels, in luv, paradise, bubbly, butterflies, many many butterflies.
It is also the first time you know what true pain feels like, you will feel like your heart has been stolen from your chest, your emotional pain will start to feel a lot like physical pain. You will understand how it feels to be let down by the person you love the most, you will soon realise that fairytales are just that. A song that comes to my mind when I think of being heartbroken and I'm talking from personal experience because I have played this song over and over while wiping away my tears and tightly hugging my pillow. Too heartbroken to eat, too heartbroken to speak and too heartbroken to move.
Alicia Keys - Sleeping With A Broken Heart.
The next stage is the sudden feeling of loss and confusion. You will continuously ask yourself where you went wrong and what didn't you do right. You will feel like somehow all of this is your fault and like an idiot for ever believing that this love, your first could somehow be your one and only. Nothing will make sense and this will be the greatest pain you have ever felt. You will feel like you can't breathe and the one person you trusted, the one person you know was on your team has left and they won't be coming back.
loss, hurt, pain, cold, tension, loss of breath, loss of love, lost, broken, unbearable.
Then you will heal, you will pick yourself up again and you will learn. At first it seems impossible, when you are heartbroken it feels like you won't ever be ok again. One day you will go from pretending to be ok to actually waking up and feeling ok and it will be the best feeling you've felt in a long while. The loss of your first will teach you to be more realistic, understand what you deserve and what you want in your future relationships. You will become open to loving again and will have to remember that anyone in your future is not your ex and shouldn't have to pay for there mistakes. You will heal.
heal, learn, understand, grow, evolve, rise, breathe, discuss, listen & feel free.
You will feel like your heart has been stolen from your chest as you lay there in bed still trying to figure out where it went wrong.
You will convince yourself that you will never love like that again because you have just lost your soulmate and one person you were destined to be with.
You will lose hope in love for a while, maybe a long while.
You are convinced that all of those ‘signs’ that you were meant to be together are still a thing and that for this reason you will find your way back together.
‘but both of our Grandmothers names start with a K’
‘Our star signs are 94% compatible on Google search’
‘We both love old school R&B’
‘We both hate Chinese but love Indian’
'We both have a birthmark on our right arm'
I would ask myself 'Who else on this earth will I possibly have these signs with?'
You will hold on to your private jokes forever and be sad that no one will ever understand why the Eastenders theme tune is absolutely hilarious.
You will judge your next relationship on that one person and always compare.
The truth is if I never experienced my first love I wouldn't truly appreciate love today. Just because it is your first love does not mean it is the best love. It feels that way because it is your first time experiencing this magical feeling of being wanted. Losing my first love has taught me to be more realistic in future relationships. Life is not a fairytale but you can get your happy ending, I now know that wanting to be with someone is not even nearly enough. There is a lot of constant hard work that goes into making a relationship work, you have to make sacrifices, you have to do things that you don't want to do, make decisions keeping another human being in mind, in love you just cannot be selfish. With that being said, it takes two people putting in an equal effort and you should never feel alone in your partnership. Losing any love teaches you the boundaries of your heart, in my case I know what I will and will not tolerate in future relationships. The 'first love' is sometimes an excuse for bad behaviour but not anymore. You know your value and you know how you should be treated.
YOU ARE WHOLE, YOU DO NOT NEED ANOTHER HUMAN BEING TO COMPLETE YOU. YOUR FIRST LOVE IS A LESSON IN LOVE.
Shay RS x
Read my last post on 'Sexualising Breastfeeding' here x